Selfish Is NOT A Four-Letter Word!
Posted: Saturday, April 12, 2008
by Camille Strate
JoyZAChoice
Most of us have heard at one time or other that 'selfish' is a bad thing. We're supposed to sh
are. We're supposed to think about other people's feelings. We're supposed to sacrifice sometimes. Selfishness is something to overcome, not practice. I don't buy it.
There comes a point in every person's life when it is of great benefit to examine such teachings. Why is it 'bad' to be selfish? Why is it that we should put others first? Why is it that we think that by being selfish, we're somehow hurting someone else? I suppose that as a chiild, learning to share is a very good thing. As we grow older, we find that sharing is not only a good thing, it plain FEELS good too. But these are not opposite terms. Learning to allow ourselves to be selfish may just be one of the better virtues. Because, it seems to me, that if you know when to be selfish, it allows you to have more to share. Allow me to elaborate ~
A dear friend recently contacted me to ask for some help. He was in a good place, one of deep introspection. He was looking for a bit of perspective as he travels this road he finally has the courage to travel. I've known him for a million years (not kidding!), so it was no surprise that he called me. (Well, that's not entirely true...but I digress...) As he spoke of his current state of affairs, explaining in bits and pieces the many twists his life had taken, he used words like 'duty' and 'devotion' and 'honor'. It was clear that he was struggling with some of these things, but hadn't yet found the clarity he was searching for. After several conversations and quite a few emails, it dawned on me that the words 'duty' and 'honor' were coming up a LOT. So I offered him a perspective that probably made him a little wary about his choice of 'counsel'. I offered it anyway.
I asked him if he'd ever considered what it was HE wanted. I asked if he always made his choices based on what other people needed or wanted from him. I asked him if he ever had moments when he dreamed of being free of responsibility, duty, and the roles he plays each day. And then, just so he didn't miss the point, I said, "are you ever selfish?"
I know this stunned him for a moment. I heard the pause when I asked the question. He did respond after a few moments and said that no, he didn't think so. He said that because of what he'd experienced in earlier stages of his life, and his previously destructive behaviors, he'd decided that he had been selfish long enough. It was time for him to put others first. AND, he'd stuck to that credo for almost 20 years. WOW! That was all I could say.
After a few more minutes I shared something I'd heard from an author I greatly admire. She'd said that in the Mandarin Chinese language there are two words for 'selfish'. One is used with mean-spirited, malicious intent. The other with profound connection to Spirit. In English, we have only one word. Is this why we confuse it's meaning? Can it be that by knowing the difference, we can choose to be selfish for the right reasons, knowing that in so doing we have more of ourselves to give? Can it be that we can finally BE selfish with the joyful knowledge that it is a GOOD thing?
Camille Olivia Strate is an author and coach who takes great pleasure in helping folks 'remember' who they are. She spends much of her time with her beloved animals,
maintaining that they are her greatest connection to Source. When she's not coaching or writing, she can be found in the garden or on a trail, soaking in the marvels of Nature's offerings.
Her latest book, "Whispers" is now available in eBook format. Hardcopy to follow soon!
Visit her personal site at http://www.joyzachoice.com
maintaining that they are her greatest connection to Source. When she's not coaching or writing, she can be found in the garden or on a trail, soaking in the marvels of Nature's offerings.
Her latest book, "Whispers" is now available in eBook format. Hardcopy to follow soon!
Visit her personal site at http://www.joyzachoice.com
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Top-level comments on this article: (5 total)Camille, This is a terrific article! And, how true! Usually we think in terms of mothers when we refer to learning to be selfish in a healthy way, but you've shown how we need to apply it much wider than that. If we don't look after ourselves, what will we have to give to others anyway; and being selfish in the way you refer to is no more than taking proper care of ourselves, all aspects of ourselves. Excellent advice! Cheers, Hannah
Thank you so much, Hannah. It does my heart good to know when what I've written has a postive impact on those reading. It's a 'tricky' subject, this matter of 'selfishness'. But I agree with you...we cannot give what we don't have! Taking care of ourselves merely means more of ourselves to share! Blessings to YOU! Camille
Camille, I don't know anything about Chinese, but in English we do have two terms that convey the difference I think you attempted to address here. I don't think trying to sanctify the term "selfish" is appropriate. To be selfish is NOT good or right. To have "self-regard", however - the other term to which I referred - is not bad at all. In fact, it is quite necessary to wholesome living. My personal challenge is to live with proper self-regard without allowing myself to become selfish, that is, to care about myself but not ONLY about myself.
Selfishness denotes the precedence given in thought or deed to the self, i.e., self interest or self concern. It is the act of placing one's own needs or desires above the needs or desires of others. Selfishness is the opposite of altruism. The implications of selfishness have inspired divergent views within religious, philosophical, psychological and evolutionary contexts.
if you had an ounce of diginity in your entire body...you'd kindly delete your writings about someone elses husband!!!!
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