When Helping Does More Harm Than Good ~ The Dangers of Enabling
Posted: Sunday, October 11, 2009
by Camille Strate
JoyZAChoice
Regardless of one's chosen field of work, or the
manner in which we use your gifts, most of us have come across people
in our lives who absolutely refuse to take responsibility for their
actions, their situations, their own lives. It could be a family
member, a dear friend, a co-worker, even a spouse. These are the
people we may care most about, yet, even if we're the very best at
what we do, there's no amount of "try" that will change a thing.
You know it. I know it. Sadly, they do not.
It is, perhaps, one of the most
frustrating things to encounter, especially if you've made your own
great strides in becoming more of who you are. When we've come
through our own storms and seen, from the other side of that storm,
just what we accomplished, exactly how much "more" we are now
than we were before the storm, it can be very challenging indeed to
keep one's mouth shut. It can be the greatest challenge of all when
we see how much pain someone we love is in, and not have a stitch of
power to do anything about it. The very best we can do is hold a
vision in our own minds of that person well and happy. Beyond that,
it's all up to them.
As someone who has managed to ride out
a host of her own storms, it's much easier for me to see that it's
not my job. It's not my job to pull someone out of the wreckage,
particularly if they want to be there. No amount of wisdom, kindness,
patience, love, tolerance, etc....is going to change their mind.
Because, the bottom line is: they're there because they want to be.
Sad. But oh-so-true.
It has become equally apparent to me
that the worst thing I can do in such situations is to enable.
Another very slippery slope. Enabling comes in so many forms, often
we don't even realize we're doing it at all. We want to help. We want
to see their suffering end. We want to hand over all the tools we've
gathered along the way, in an effort to ease their struggle. We want
to see them happy. Every time they come to us, with their sad, sad
story, telling us about their pain and how we just "don't
understand", we want to shout "OH YES I DO!" All for naught.
They're not going to hear any of it. Why? Because they want to be
where they are. If they didn't, they wouldn't be there.
Sound harsh? Probably. Is it truth?
Yes. It is.
Sometimes we may even apply the 'tough
love' method. We may offer up all we have and then say, "You know
what? When you're ready, give me a shout. I'll help in any way I can.
Until then, you're on your own. Gotta go. See ya, bye." And
then...disappear. Don't call back after that long-winded message or
that horribly pitiful email. Don't answer the phone at 3 a.m. when
they call you drunk and sobbing. Don't respond in any way whatsoever.
Just leave them be to weather that storm on their own. Tough love?
You betcha. Does it work? Sometimes.
Other times, not so much. Other times
they show up again, sometimes after years have passed, and they're
right where you left them. Sobbing and drunk and whining about how
god doesn't love them. Nobody loves them. They're not worthy of love.
They're hopeless. They're stupid. They're BLAH BLAH BLAH, ad nauseam.
Holy Buckets! Can it be that this person has spent the past 2 years
wallowing in that pity party and is still 'alive'?
Yes. It can be. And often times, the
reason they're knocking at your door is because everyone else has
abandoned the cause and they've nowhere else to go. What to do now?
Back when I believed I could fix
anyone, when I had my own God complex, I would spend hours and days
and years on such 'projects'. I was convinced that my wisdom, along
with my love, could save them. I was convinced that if I tried hard
enough I'd be able to show them just how worthy they were. I was
utterly blinded by my own Ego's pride, unable to see that all I was
doing was keeping them from learning how to find their way. As the
saying goes: 'you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him
drink'. One of the truest adages I've ever heard.
What to do?
Nothing.
Remember that the only way for anyone
to grow is to let them. Remember that you are not their God. Remember
that their path is their own and they must walk it alone. You may be
able to meet them along the way, at various cross roads, to encourage
them to keep going. To give them a dose of love and a big ol' hug. To
give them a smile as they continue on. Other than that, it is not
your job to save them. Truth is, you can't save them. Why would you
want to? Do you not think it would retard their growth? Do you not
think it would, in the long run, force them to revisit this place? Do
you not think that your own passage through the storm made you who
you are now?
In the Tao Te Ching, there is a passage
that says (in essence) 'no storm can last forever'. (yes, that's the
short version, but you get the drift). And it's true. Even the most
furious hurricane or the most devastating tsunami can only last for
so long. And then...it wears itself out and disappears. Eventually.
What makes us think that the same does not hold true for us? What
storm can last forever?
Me thinks it is a very good practice to
let people sail their own ship. To allow them the freedom to
experience what they need to experience. To hold them closely in our
hearts, but let them sail on their own. Because every time we
intrude, we're just joining that pity party. And we're not doing them
a bit of good when we do. Let them be. Let them grow. Let them learn
about their own power. Otherwise, all you're doing is prolonging the
inevitable. How can that be 'good'?
Hi Camille.I just had to read this before I left to visit the horses today. This is brilliant. Did you write it for me? It seems like maybe you did. Even if you didn't, THANKS SO MUCH.Someone told me once that it's called "tough love" because it is so hard on the one who walks away and not the other way around. I believe that is true.Thanks so much for this.I hope your day is light and full of light.Hugs,DianneThanks, Dianne. And right back to ya!
Well put Camille. I'm sure we've all been in the position of 'enabler' at some point and we have all had to practice 'tough love' too. Sometimes the best way to help is to do nothing at all and let them find their own way as you suggest. It's not an easy thing to do though when all you really want to do is help and make things right for them. It took me a long time to realize I can't fix things for every one, I can't always make everything right for them, that's something we each have to do for ourselves. Great article.Thank you, Brianna. It's always so nice to hear from you. Glad you "realized" and have moved onward. More and more I repeat the words: "it's not my job". A little phrase a counselor once gave me. Works well for those of us who are into "God complex" (giggle)
Perfect, People must resolve their own karma. “Beings are owners of their actions, heirs of their actions; they originate from their actions (in this present lifetime and previous ones - eddie's note) , are bound to their actions, have their actions as their refuge. It is action that distinguishes beings as inferior and superior.” (The Buddha).
Yes, the only way to get out of serious trouble (addiction, unemployment etc.) is to believe in yourself and take action.A similar phenomenon is what, at least in Scandinavia, is referred to as "Curling". It means parents who will do too much in their effort to make sure that their children have everything. Often resulting in spoiled brats who are a real pain for their surroundings.Thanks for this, Erwin. Had not heard of "curling". Now...more research! Good day to you, Sir!
Often when we enable we are simply feeding our own disease, justifying our own actions. It is almost always easier to give in and "enable" rather than take a stand, and responsibility for our own actions.Good job here, Camille.How very true, Ken. Spoken like one who's been there (giggle). Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. Good to 'see' ya!
