Out of the Muck, Into the Joy: A Lesson in Shifting
Posted: Monday, August 09, 2010
by Camille Strate
JoyZAChoice
GET OUT OF YOUR HEAD! That's what she said after she'd listened to my rantings. She was doing what she does best: offering insights from her gut. I love her for that. She doesn't pull any punches or tip-toe around stuff. She says it like she sees it...with love and sometimes brutal honesty. But always with love. It's not like she's trying to shock me or hurt me or even smack me upside the head. She's just telling it like she feels it. I love her for that too. We're two of a kind that way. We've been mirrors for each other for almost three decades. Friends like that don't come along every day. So when she says something so adamantly, I trust it. I trust HER. And yea. It was a great eye-opener. Funny how that which we most preach is so often not practiced. Ha. Ha. Ha.
The next day I was still assimilating. I woke up with a grin and a brandy new perspective on the matter. I felt like it was all so ridiculous. The whole thing we'd been talking about to begin with. I laughed my way through the morning, paying close attention to my patterns and seeing them more clearly than I'd ever seen them. Clarity. That's what she offers best to me. The fact that I can do the same when she's in her own blurry place makes it even more delicious. It's that beautiful enhancement of equals. No keeping score or trying to “one-up". Just a splendid balance of two people who truly love each other without condition. Doesn't get much better than that.
Well then....a few days later, I was wanting very much to do what she'd suggested. Get out of my head and into my body...as in DO SOMETHING PHYSICAL. She'd suggested stuff like pottery classes or yoga or kick boxing. All the things I would love to do, were I not in any way limited by my physicality. And it hit me...like a cast iron skillet over the top of the head.
FOR PETE'S SAKE! DON'T YOU THINK I'D BE DOIN' THOSE THINGS IF I COULD????
Got spit-fire pissed all over again. Not at her. Because she wasn't trying to undermine all this crap. She, of all people, knows precisely where I was and where I am now. The first time she saw me after all this began, she tried so hard not to show the shock and horror and fear that welled up. She did a pretty good job, all things considered. But it's not easy to hide that sort of emotion when you see someone you've known for the larger portion of your life go from a very strong, self-sufficient, sturdy person to someone who looks like a skeleton. Scary, scary stuff. But, like I said, she tried. She stayed with me for a week that first time. She cooked and catered and cared for me like I'd never been cared for before. She didn't try to make me laugh when I needed to cry, but in those moments when I wasn't into the crying, she made me laugh til my belly hurt. She's a pretty funny gal, even on her worst days. It was a wonderful visit, but the whole while she was here, there was that feeling of impending separation. And sadness. Sooner or later she was going home. And I'd be left to deal with my stuff on my own. When the day arrived, we both cried all the way to the airport. I cried all the way home. So did she. That's just how it goes when your best friend lives 500 miles away. But life goes on....
So there I was...pissed off all over again. Not exactly back to where I'd been in that initial conversation. But pissed none the less. I sat for a long while, running that conversation through my head, smiling at the clarity she'd delivered, trying to recapture the feelings she'd inspired. And then it occurred to me that what she was saying, what she tried so lovingly to offer had NOTHING to do with my capabilities, limitations or fears. What she was really offering me was a way to LOOK AT ALL OF IT DIFFERENTLY. I know in my heart that there's nobody who knows better what I've been experiencing. Even though she's never experienced it, she KNOWS how tough it's been for me. She knows how much effort it takes for me to keep my oh-so-sunny disposition when all this crap is going on in my body. She also knows, without a smidgen of a doubt, that I will NOT quit. So as I sat there, wallowing in my “pissed off" for too many minutes, I suddenly saw her face. I saw the love, NOT the fear. I saw the conviction in her eyes. I felt the hugs and the heart and the whole of who she is. And all the 'pissed off' just disappeared.
It's not uncommon to miss the messages. All too often we wallow in our misery because we're too stubborn to move out of it. It's too familiar, that wallowing crap. And it takes a bit of effort AND consciousness AND trust to move out of the muck and into a place that will allow us to see the gifts that are being so lavishly offered.
She's one of those gifts.
And I am more grateful than any words could ever describe.
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Top-level comments on this article: (3 total)Wonderful Camille. I can commiserate with you on so much that you said. My sister is my 'best friend' and many days if I didn't have her to share pains and angers and frustrations with I would definitly NOT function as well. Same for her. When we live many miles apart it is hard. She moved recently to Florida (now about 5 hours away) and it is tough sometimes. But we talk several times a week. I lead a very solitary and meditative life and love my own space and time. I never get lonely but it sure helps to have her in my life.She knows every nuance of my being and loves me anyway. Even when I am "@#$@#&*ed off." LOL.Thanks for a great read. I visited your site. Wonderful stuff there.Many BlessingsThanks, Goshwin. And thanks, too, for visiting my site. Much appreciated!
What a gift to have a friend like this, Camille. I've also read your blog and really like it, really like your overall attitude.Well thank you, Miz Joyce! Delighted to have kept your interest. I love to write and (hopefully) brings a grin to a few folks. Makes me very happy indeed. Hugs, Bella~
Many gifts.
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